A Confident Step in an Uncertain Direction

A picture is worth a 1,000 words. but you get the words.

2006-04-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

In one week i have had my life completly turned on its head. The life i was waiting to have in New York finally came. in a big way. It's odd. A year ago i met Stefanie Young, she works for Paradox, a Christian org. dedicated to people in the fashion industry. And i kept blowing her off and blowing her off and when i made a commitment i blew it off. I knew what would come and i wasn't ready to give up the self-serving life i was leading. I left a Christ centered life in Charleston to come to New York and i wanted a taste of everythingelse before i tasted honey( which is sweet and amazing and pure). Then a week ago i gave up. i just couldn't take my life anymore couldn't take what i had made for myself. Then God opened up the flood gates. He pulled out all the stops. He gave me everything i had been missing; i had been drowning and hadn't even known it. I fell right into a group of friends that in one week know more about me and care more about me than nearly everyone i had met in the past year. Not that everyone i have met in the last year was bad. This is about all i can explain right now i am still trying to figure out what has gone on. there will be more to come from this i am sure. but i am just letting you in on what i know so far.

2006-03-28T17:54:00.000-08:00

The carnival in Dublin.

Then the keily dancing ( don't know if i am spelling that right.)

We look weird because we have been drinking 4pm. oops.

The sideways picture is a famous cathedral in Rouen.

Flower Market in Rouen

pictures didn't work..... boo. i will try again.

This is gary. i spent a lot of time kissing him.

To the left is the Madison Ave. of Paris. Chanel. Lacroix. St. Laurent. All a girl needs.

I Survived....... barely

2006-03-28T17:04:00.000-08:00

France....... you kill me. I have never had an experience like the one you gave me. For the first time English was a second language. For the first time i thought in kilometers instead of miles. For the first time wine flowed faster than water. I am sure you would have been happier had i understood you a little better..... but what the hell..... i stilled made it.

Top 10 Moments of the Trip ( in no particular order):
1. Using my impressive French Skills, i told the woman at the toll booth that we were fucked chickens instead of we were lost...... you live..... you learn. for the record it is: nous sommes perdues.... not nous sommes putant poules.

2. The manager at the grocerey store in Rouen thought my friend Stefanie had stolen something so he made her take everything out of her bag. then when her debit card wasn't working he announced to the whole store that it was probably because she had no money.

3. Learning how to keily dance ( traditional irish dancing.... think river dance) in a crowd of 1,000 Irish strangers. whenver they went right, i went left. they went up, i went down. they clapped, i stamped my foot. to get to the point: i sucked.

4. Driving 2 hours up the coast of Normandy to get to the American D-day cemetary just for it to have closed 45 minutes prior to arrival.

5. Getting acid indigestion in Paris and having to have my friend's boyfriend interpret to the pharmacist all the symptoms and then having to interpret back to me all the pharmacist's embarrassing questions like : do you have diarrhea?

6. Stopping on the way to the Mont St. Michel to get out and take a picture with a cow. Right after we took the picture the cow dumped out buckets of piss. i screamed.

7.Getting kicked out of the tour group at the Mont St. Michel because we wern't Asian. RACISM.

8. Making out with a very cute Irish boy named Gary ( disappointing name. i know. i called him Liam) on St. Patricks at a club after drinking God unfortunaly knows how much. I was startled by how quickly the tongue comes into play in Ireland. I feel like a should have been given a warning about that upon entering customs.

9. Getting laughed out of the lunch place we ate at because of our lack of language skills and our intensive pointing and grunting skills. We were stuck in there for 3 hours bacause we didn't know how to ask for the check. i couldn't remember so i thought maybe it was a cognate. for the record it is not le check. it is l'addition. who knew. then after we finally got le check we were stuck there for another 30 minutes because we didn't know what to do with it. and the rude waitor was any help. douche bag.

10. Discovering that in Paris there arn't actually lanes on the roads. you go wherever, whenever in whatever direction you please in that city. That is what makes it so easy to avoid car accidents. who needs rules when you can do whatever you want.

Here is my week in pictures:

Viva la France!

2006-03-15T06:40:00.000-08:00

I am going to France today. well Atlanta today, Ireland tomorrow and France on Saturday, but whatever. I am en route to my final destination. I will come back with a blog worth your time. i swear.

So it is Sunday...

2006-02-19T08:26:00.000-08:00

it is Sunday, the day of rest. so i'll take it easy; you don't have to twist my arm. i submit. i do however have to take a moment to congradulate myself on having wonderful friends. i know how to pick them. or did they pick me. i stayed in last night and thought about you guys. everyone one of you. i prayed that nick's shows went well. i wondered if megyn had started planning yet. i looked at tickets for aug. 5th. i hoped erin had a warm coat. i looked at pictures of stefanie's 21st birthday. i remembered kayaking with ben. and so on. just so you guys know, you make my world twril.

these past few weeks have been crazy. i have been pulled, tested, stressed, sad, elated, and exhausted. the week leading up to fashion week was at best interesting , at worst terrifying. the box that had 75% of our samples for the show didn't turn up until one hour before we were going to cancel the show. TNT lost the box after it cleared customs in LA. gotta love it. for real. fashion week was a great illusion. i loved the excitement but i am not sure if it is for me. whatever i have a few years to reach a verdict on that one. it is all hype, nothing more. an elaborate dance that ends before the second verse of the song begins. it is odd. i am slowly learning, not really how to play the game, but more how to maneuver through it without being jaded. i pray that i come out unscathed. not that there arn't great people in this industry, because there are. i would need 15 pairs of hand to count them all.

slowly i am figuring out where i want my career to go and what i need to do to get there. i have an idea. a large hunch. pray that it works out. seriously. this has to be out of my hands for it to work.

oh yeah. last night it was -10 degrees.......... if that isn't wrong i don't know what is. i can't wait for global warming to kick in. hurry up ozone layer there is one frost-bitten chick in New York City that desperately needs your help.

Designs

2006-01-24T17:58:00.000-08:00

Here are some designs, of my last summer collection. I also have a casual dress collection i would love you to see. If these are your style then let me know and i would love to design clothes for you!! I hope everything is well. sorry the scans arn't the best the computer wouldn't let me upload using hi-resolution. If you really like some of them and want to see them in their entirity i can send you copies of the original artwork. with love, jessye

2006-01-09T19:40:00.000-08:00

I wrote this at the airport pretending to be updating my blog online. It rarely happens to me but sometimes i have so many thoughts that i feel like i have to write them down immediately before they all slip away. So here it is. Going back is always hard for me. I think that maybe each time it will get easier but it doesn't; i just become a little more attached than i was before. For the next 9 months i will be an adult and right now the only word that comes to mind is........... FUCK! But my fright is equally matched by my excitement. I have a lot of ideas, none of which i can share with anyone because usually the second i tell someone something i lose all interest in my thought. it always happens, without fail. maybe i have intimacy issues. Sometimes i think God speaks through horoscopes. don't laugh. it's true. The NYPost is famed for never being wrong when it comes to astrology and this morning i woke up from staying awake all night dreaming to a horoscope that gave me the exact answer i had been looking for. Not this " with your planet crossing jupiter it is a good time to connect with old friends." crap but " this is what you need to do and if you don't know how to do it then you need to do this instead." i would say the exact words but that gets tied back into the "me telling people my thoughts and then loosing interest in them" thing and i can't afford to not have faith in my thoughts at the moment. I started work today and i didn't suck. That was my only plan ...... to not suck. Tommorow i am ready for day 2. I wish i had a suck knob that i could just turn down. I know everyone has a little bit of suck but there are certain moments in life that i would feel much more secure and confident if i knew that my chance of sucking was zero. I wouldn't abuse it at all i promise. i would just use it strategically when it was imperitative to my success. I always think my plane is going to crash no matter how much time and odds play against me, and yesterday was no different. Ok that was random but i just wanted to throw that in there. Sometimes i get sick of my own thoughts. I think some of the same ones over and over again it i am starting to bore myself to death. I just want to tell my head to "shut the hell up you are boring me." But now is not the case. It is a new year, i am new. My only vow is to increase the quality in my life and am at the moment figuring out what it takes to do that. to be a better friend? to have better friends? to be more faithful in fate? to be more devoted to the One? who knows, each day will take me somewhere different. I have a new perspective on my career. a perspective that hopefully will take me out of new york and into new places, hopefully out of the stereotyped fashion industry and into the arms of people who inspire me. listen to Nightswimming by R.E.M. it has been on constant repeat on my iPod. it is quite possibly the most beautiful song i have ever heard. that is my one piece of advise.

Let's Try This On For Size

2005-12-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

Long time no type.
This last semester left me so confused that I have yet to figure out what to make of it. Good sides:
1. People loved my jacket, the curator of the museum exhibit told my that i should have won the critics award which after a long 3 weeks was more validation that i could have ever asked for. The students had to set up the exbibit. Which was a long frustrating Monday afternoon. The dress forms came 3 hours late and none of them were the right sizes. And i almost threatened to kill my professor's assistant.I mean i almost killed the professor's assistant. But other than that everything went well.
2. I was offered a job with Ellie Tahari. I am turning it down but it was nice that they asked.
3.I got the hell out of the New York the day before the strike ( which is oh so convienent.)

Bad Sides:
1. still no clarity on what to do in september. In the words of The Clash: do I stay or do I go now? i will figure that out later.
2. portfolio did not get done in time . oops. that is all i have to say about that.

Being home has been weird. i feel like i have aged 10 years in the last year. and then after everything to come back to the place i started from is an odd circle. This last year has been the most challenging i have had ever. I feel like everyone i have been around has put me to the test in some way, and i thank everyone for that because without you guys asking the questions i would have never looked for the answers.
In January i start working full-time for Palmer Jones and i am really looking forward to seeing where that can take me. I feel excited about 2006. I am excited to see what will come of everything and everyone because there is a lot of promise.

I am sure there is much more on my mind. and blogs will be fore frequent but at the moment i am ok with being a little hazy and unsure.

JOBedity Job Job!!!!!!!

2005-11-12T11:39:00.000-08:00

Friday was a day so very full of emotions. Each moment felt like it was light-years away from the last and the one yet to come. It is so bizarre. Currently my biggest frustration has been the lack of certaintyin my very distant future. I should start the story about friday with all the backround information of the week prior to friday. So this is where it begins:
Due to final projects, portfolio's and career seminars the level of stress in my class as risen about 100,000 million percent. Now what happens when fashion design students get stressed? A lot. First of all there is Alex Dimak ( remember his name, he will be successful, really.) He now sings oldies aloud and carries a flask. Shamar we think is about one step away from joining the black panthers ( he gets mad a lot) Lisa just looks like she is about to cry all the time and gets really upset and storms out of the class whenever our silly, charm-braclet , homo professor tells her she did something wrong which is often sadly enough. other people just sit around and talk about how stressed they are. As for me.......... i put in an online application for the Peace Corps. This week couldn't have been more frustrating so i decided i didn't want to be a fashion designer at the moment. I want to build huts in Belize and learn how to surf and maybe knit a hammock and date some foreign man named Dominic or River or something. So there has been talk of the designers hiring me in january but nothing was said yet but i told them that i had to know before Thanksgiving. I go to work on Friday with the hopes of talking to them about the situation but instead i am given this huge list of everything that has to be taken care of in the garment district. This list would take at least 8 hours of non-stop running around to complete. Here is what it was:
1. pick- up garments from Women's Wear Daily ( 35th and 5th Ave.)
2. drop off buttons at Bobby Trim ( 36th and 6th ave. 11th floor)
3. find similar frog closures at Tinsel trading ( 38th and 6th ave.)
4. drop off fabric swatches and buy fabric at B&J ( 38th and 7th ave)
5. find 8 million types of zippers at a store where you can't touch anything and the guys that work there don't speak english.
6. buy more frog-closures that don't exist on any of the known planets.
7. buy sequin fabric that the designers purchased 8 years ago at a store that doesn't exist and the fabric is just like the frog-closures not anywhere in the known planets ( well, maybe jupiter but cabs don't go there, it is just like Brooklyn.)
8. get 150 photo-copies made ( that one wasn't hard.)

So while doing this in my head i was planning what to pack for the trip to Belize, i had to make sure to get a doctors appointment, find a way to tell my mom i won't be home for Christmas, since i will be building huts with my new love Dominic. and find somebody to sub-lease my apartment until i feel like coming back. This list seemes much easier to accomplish than the one above, including the part about telling my mom about the current Christmas situation. After the most frustrating day that ended the most frustrating week, I came back to the designers studio and found a letter from the head designer saying that they would love to offer me a position and that she was sorry that we didn't get to talk about it today and that everything would be discussed next tuesday. Now i am back in-love with the fashion industry and belize, the huts and Dominic will have to wait. But i think they are still in my future.

I am going to rip-off Nick at the moment: If we are friends i am probably missing you. have a good holiday.

Things that just don't work out.

2005-10-29T13:39:00.000-07:00

here are some things that i find never work out. no matter how many times i have tried them:

1. walking and tieing your shoe at the same time.
2. eating ice cream with a plastic fork. ( no one wants to do the dishes and it has come to the point where there are not only no spoons, there are no forks. we have all been there.)
3. just taking a quick nap before doing any kind of work.
4. agreeing to go on a date with a guy you met last night while out with friends. ( they are never as cute, as funny, as charming, or as nice.)
5. wearing a strapless shirt out dancing. ( i have been the victim far too many times)
6. trying to go to a club with a gay doorman. no matter who you know, no matter how cute you are looking that night, nothing changes the fact that you don't have man bits.
7. smiling at the people on the sidewalk that are trying to sign people up for stupid stuff, like rescuing puppies or saving the planet. I am always that one person after a long frustrating day of rejection these people are hell- bent and determined to get on their mailing list. it is annoying. for future reference shove your hands in your pockets, look at the ground, and mumble cuss words. satan himself wouldn't touch you then. circle of salt doesn't hurt either, but you look like a freak walking down the street throwing salt everywhere.
8. ordering steamed pork dumplings from Friendhouse. according to them steamed = fried. they have never once gotten my order right. smug bastards.

I went to a psychic today to see if she had any insight to my very unclear future. according her her i will have a marraige that lasts, i will have two boys ( which sucks but i will deal with that later), in 2001 i built some kind of emotional wall and haven't really let men in yet, that was creepy b/c that was the year bobby costello didn't like me "like that" anymore. another smug bastard. i will be successful in my career. there are a lot of people coming in and out of my life right now. and i am having problems communicating with some people in my present. and she saw all of that for only 5 dollars. impressive. the place smelled like curry though.

me but not.

2005-10-23T20:34:00.000-07:00

Here are some other Jessica Rameys in the world....... it would be arrogant and selfish of me to think that i am the only one out there....... but i am probably the best. i am working on the arrogant thing; i promise.

Jessica Ramey: owns a scrapbooking company in the middle of nowhere america.

Jessica Ramey: a fairly good basketball player at East Noble high school in indiana....... oddly enough that is the high school my dad went too, and we are not related. i think. i hope. at least i have never met her..... which as i found out today that doesn't matter because my cousin angie informed that i have an aunt in France that i have never met because my grandfather got some french woman pregnant when he was over there in WW2..... i think it might be a sore subject in the family and i , very uncomfortably i might add, found it funny when i brought it up with my dad this morning. anyways that has nothing to do with Jessica Ramey, East Noble high school basketball player. i think. i hope.

Jessica Ramey: 4H club member at Oregon State University.

i am sure there are a bunch more.

Kaczynski was elected the president of Poland today. just in case anybody missed it.

one of these days i will have something important to say. i think. i hope.

A Couple of Truly Weird Things

2005-10-10T22:42:00.000-07:00

here are a couple of really weird things about myself.

1. i spend most of my textile principles class trying to remember the lyrics to various CCR songs. today it took me an hour and fifteen minutes to remember all the words to "Cotten Fields."

2. i pass the time on the walk to school by identifing all the parts of speech in the sentences on the billboards and advertisements. ( it is all about the predictive adjectives .) I hope to have all the advertisements on 23rd street done by Christmas.

3. i take pride in being able to count to 18 in roman numerals aloud in like 5 seconds.

it is 2 o'clock in the morning and i might regret posting this tomorrow.

forgiven?

2005-10-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

So i realized today that the problems between me and God are not God's fault; they are mine. who knew? .............i didn't. And come tomorrow i probably won't know that information again. My long term memory is out of order and has been for a while. But for now I acknowledge that my miscommunications between God and myself are my fault. Next step..... feel forgiven. One of my greatest problems/frustrations is that i don't know how to feel forgiven. Like really "whew, glad that is off my chest" forgiven. I will drone on about all the millions of things i have done wrong over the past YEARS. There are things that i have done years ago that i still feel guilty about and don't feel forgiven over. I treated a really good friend of mine poorly in 2003 while at worked at a camp. And i still feel horrible about it. My first break through with this came about two months ago when i got high with my roommates the first night my roommate KC moved in. I hate being high..... i know this...... i have always known this. The idea of being high seems nice but in actuality it is rediculously lame. and it makes you cough like a loser. Anyways...... Right afterwards i went into my room and walked around in circles trying to talk myself out of being high ( which was a really funny conversation with myself i must add..... ) so yeah, i spent 20 mintues walking around like Rain Man when i decided the best optiong was to go to sleep. when i woke up i wouldn't be high anymore so that seemed like the best solution. Well..... i can't fall asleep if i am high so i just sat there and giggled to myself. Finally i feel asleep but every half hour i woke up... i would open 1 eye and look around to see if i was still high ( it was like a really messed up christmas. you know when you are little you would wake up in the middle of the night and run downstairs to see if Santa had come yet. but in my case i was checking to see if my high had gotten the hell out of my head), i did this 4 times; each time feeling worse than before. Then finally at like 3:30 in the morning i looked up at my bible on the shelf and just let go. I feel like it should just take an instant, a moment, because that is how long it takes God. No time at all to forgive me. So why should it take years for me to feel what had happened in an instant, many, many moments ago.
Other than that the only other things really going on in my life is that i bought a candle called Casablanca Lily and it smells like butt..........so disappointing.

In between who i was, who i am, and who i will be.

2005-09-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

Fall tends to be a time of recapping my life before moving on. My character has been tested a lot lately and it has left me drained.I am tested when my professor that is obsessed with money and fame and glamour and what people think and only thinking that sucess comes from obtaining those things. I am in an industry and a city that has by worst interests at heart and i am trying to find a way to overcome that and step away because there is no way i want to continue with this business no matter how much i love fashion design if i have to give into this place. There are clear reasons for why things in my past happened and it thrills me when i see them fall into place in my present. The only thing i am questioning now is that in the past when i have been in really good situations like working at camp or living in charleston, even in the hard times i was aware that i was in the middle of something good. now i know i am in the middle of something good career wise but i am concerned that i am not being surrounded by a good situation personally. This is where grace blows me away. just blows me away. A girl that volunteered at the Palmer Jones fashion show was insistant that she knew me from somewhere ( a lot of people think they know me because i have a generic face, but they never do; it is harder than you think to convince somebody that they don't know you fyi) but she was psoitive she knew me so we talked for a second to try and figure out how we know each other, i was just doing this for sport because i knew we didn't know each other. It turns out that she works for a christian organization for young people in the fashion industry. It was just what i needed. God. God has been so over-whelming recently, they way i have seen him as been so pwerful i almost feel like i never knew him before. He is there when The Moon and St. Christopher comes up on my iPod right before i go to bed; this is a song that i closely associate with God. it is my special thing. anyways more later.

I Got Nothing

2005-09-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to say at the moment. no comments. no questions. i understand what i need to understand and what i don't understand i don't care about yet. I just felt it was time to update the blog.
peace.

oh wait i do have something to say..... pop'n'music is the most annoying game i have ever encountered.

Ivy League......... eff that.

2005-09-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

So last night i found myself at a party composed only of people that went to an Ivy League school ( Harvard, Princeton, Yale blah blah blah). Evidently in New York, and probably everywhere, they are a tight knit group. It was odd, i had a good time but it was just odd. I never think i am going to be able to relate to people, it is total self-absorbtion to the max. So in a million years i never thought that i would be able to have a conversation with a bunch of investment bankers from Harvard that would hold my attention; but i did. But anyway that was that. This guy friend of mine Dana got thrown out of the club we were at last night and here is how it went.

Helene: look at this lighter ( the flame was big and blue. it was cool)
Dana: look at this napkin ( HUGE FLAMES COMING FROM THE NAPKIN!!!!).
Me and Shane: cool.
Security Guards: what the hell do you think you are doing?
Dana: lighting a cigerette with a napkin.
Security Guards: you can't f%&^ing do that.
Dana: you can't?
Security Guards: ( grab Dana by the arms forcfully and escort him out of the club)
Dana: this is cool i was going to leave anyway.

extremly funny night all around. and i danced and i liked it.

That's so diculous it is rediculous.

2005-08-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

The week ended well. Lately I have been underestimating Plan A. Just to fill everyone in on Plan A...... It was to come back to New York after a dreadful summer ( which wasn't dreadful at all, i actually really liked it.) and some how convince the designers i intern for to pay me without having to say anything. Then finish all the sketches that i didn't do while i was at home ( like 100) and go to school with every intention of putting more effort into this semester than i did last semester. Well i started on Plan B evidently too soon. I went out get my job back at Coach and they were being so flakey so i got annoyed but right when i got annoyed Palmer Jones ( the designers) decided to pay me, i didn't mention anything. Then when i was coming up with a plan to finish the sketches during the school year i looked in my design journal and realized that i had done them. So my new motto is " don't give up on Plan A." So school starts on Monday morning and we will just have to see how it goes.

New Topic ....... after a month of living in this building the doorman finally said hello without looking like he wanted to secretly kill me. one point for me.

New Topic........ a few things that i don't understand......
1. why is it that depending on which elevator i take i live on either the 8th or the 11th floor?
2. why is it legal to use a jackhammer at 7 am?

I am sure there is plenty more that i don't understand but these are the only things that are bothering me at the moment.

I officially cook....... well grilled cheese.

2005-08-20T17:29:00.000-07:00

I made grilled cheese today,and i don't want to brag but it was perfect. For the record this is my first sucessful dinner that didn't involve a delievery man, microwave or waitor. I will let everyone in on how to make it because i don't feel like i should hide the good in my life. Here it goes.... first you turn the stove on a put like a 1/4 in. of butter and swish it around so it becomes liquid ( otherwise known as melting) then you turn the heat on medium but more on the low side of medium , not the high side if medium. the flame shouldn't be flaming more like an even 3/8 in. circle around the metal thing in the middle. Put the bread on with 2 pieces of yellow cheese in the middle and let it slowly cook. With your fingers( there is no reason to use a spatula.... useless instrument) lift the bread up to see if it has turned black by any chance ( if it is black you have gone to far). When the bread is a carmal brown flip the soon to be sandwich over. This is the part where most people can go wrong... you have to turn the heat down a little more because for some reason fire just gets hotter. So let the other side of the grilled cheese simmer ( i have no idea what that means, i have heard it used once in reference to meat once but i think it can be applied to this as well as long as it means leave it alone for a second) until it becomes the same carmel color as the other side. I hope i don't need to repeat the "black -too far" comment. Now you know you are done when you lift the side simmering too see if it is done and some of the cheese drips and burns on the metal cooking basin and makes the kitchen smell like butt. Finally quickly take the sandwich off the "grill", the longer you take getting it off the more it hurts your fingers, and enjoy. I hope i could be of some help.

Unable to be "Cool"

2005-08-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

I was thinking last night/this morning on my way home in the cab about what it means to be "cool." In New York the cool crowd goes out all night drinks, dances, smokes, and generally causes commotion. i have tried on all those hats and it turns out my head it way too small. My body physically will not allow me to be cool. I can't stay awake long enough to go out. Last night my roommates had to wake me up from a deep sleep to go out to this club that i promised i would go to with them. Alcohol makes me sick to my stomach. One drink and i feel like the room is spinning, i can just smell alcohol and get the giggles. The last time I smoked weed i had an allergic reaction and was coughing and hacking up God knows what for about 2 months. I am such a nerd. And i hate to dance. Nothing in the world is more annoying to me than dancing. Well, that isn't true, there are girls from New Jersey, the doorman that hates me (not once has he said hello to me since i have moved in), math tests, and some other things, but dancing is on the list for sure. So i am turning in my borrowed "Cool Club" card and i am from hince-forth only doing what makes me really happy. Thank all of you for the opprotunity to see what i am not missing and i hope that all your future endevors go well. If you want to find me i will be either in bed, playing scrabble, walking around on Sunday mornings aimlessly, giggling at stupid things, or hanging out on the roof with my dearest friends in deep conversation about Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County.

Burlesque Attitudes

2005-08-08T17:17:00.000-07:00

I went to church yesterday morning with my best friend Gina. It is a very new very contemporary church that is in this music venue, which is pretty cool. It reminds me a little of Seacost for all you Charlestonians out there. But anyway, the sermon was on dying. During the summer the church bases its sermons on commonly asked questions by people members of the church people they stop on the streets etc... and each week the aproach one of these questions. Some of the questions are 1. why is there suffering 2. what do i tell me friend that is gay 3. will there be sex in heaven ( to my great and joyful surprise there will be plenty of sex in heaven) 4 and what happens when you die. And a lot of it i have already heard but the one thing i hadn't heard was that Hell was never meant for people so go to ( Jesus talks about it in Matthew something verse something). God never planned to have a place called Hell to send people to. It was for Satan when he rebeled and they had that war ( i need to learn details). I can't explain it any further than that because that is all i understand but it helps me a lot because i always wondered how God could have a side to him that could create Hell, it seemed contridictory to what i know os his character. Anyway i am leading to having a hell on earth. Later on Sunday night i went to this burlesque show at this hole in the wall in the East Village. The show starts and this 50 year old woman in a leather get-up and a hat with a bong on top of it gets on the stage and i instantly want to burst into to tears. She had to have been the sadest woman i have ever seen. This wasn't Pussycat Dolls burlesque this was dirty, sick, crack-whore burlesque, and i kept thinking to myslef "where did her life go wrong?" ( secretly praying that she didn't have hopes of being a fashion designer). It makes me sad just thinking about it all over again. She is talking about "this being the real New York" and asking anyone if they had weed on them and there are all these obnoxious men in the audience yelling and screaming. I kept thinking about what these girls lives have become, i am reminded a Victoria Teague, the woman who lead me to Christ who had been a stripper, and all her talks about what her life used to be and the heart-break and the abuse. I just wondered if you are in hell while you are on Earth what would it take to get you out. I had a hard enough time accepting Christ and i had no legitimate claims against him. If i were these girls and i had gone through what they go through everyday what would someone have to say to get me to accept Christ? I know that it is by grace but grace can be subtle and you can disregaurd it like it was nothing. What is going to blow them away? My heart breaks for them everytime i think about it.

Since When Did I Hate Free-Time

2005-08-06T16:57:00.000-07:00

So i have been back on my own in New York City for about 4 hours now and i am at a complete loss as to what i should do. I am dying for school to start. Longing to begin working at Coach again ( a job a used to loathe). I can't wait to begin working for free, otherwise known as interning for Palmer Jones , which i liked from the beginning so i actually understand that one. The one hesitaion i had about coming back to New York was that i didn't want my life to be a hectic as it was last semester under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, and now i can't wait for it. I am so messed up. really. i need to get on the same page with myself. New roommated are always an adjustment. I should know i have had quite a few. a few too many i feel like. And the ones i always like either leave ( George my new roommate is moving back to San Fran. in Sept. ) or i leave them. I really just want to have everything, that is why i have satisfaction. I want to be a designer in New York, or London, just not Paris.... effing snobs. Parisians are even snobby in New York (where they don't live FYI), and i want all the people that matter to me to be here as well. I don't want these people where they would be happy, i want them where i would be happy. i am so effing selfish. hopefully i will grow out of that. I want to go to church and enjoy it but i typically don't because i am too sarcastic and i surround myself with sarcastic people because i think they are funny and i like to laugh. I mean this summer no one in my family went to church once. the last time we went was on Easter and all we did was make fun of the people on stage (my church has a stage) and their outfits or the stupid songs they picked to sing or the worship leader's boyband hands-free microphone (which was funny) but still, when is it going to hit me. I love God ; i think Jesus was coolest person ever ( followed second by Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes) but i think church is lame; half the time i don't agree with what is being preached and i have walked out in the middle of a sermon too many times. So this is my current dilemma ( the Kelly Rollin/Nelly song is playing in my head, sadly i remember every lyric). I ate like 5 mini-donuts today and now my stomach hurts. just wanted to say that.

This just in.... I don't know anything.

2005-07-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

Things that I know about myself.....
1. Ireally like donuts.
2. I think Conan O'Brian is hot.
3. I really like to listen to Stevie Ray Vaughan.
4. I am thinking about being a fashion designer.
5. I hate being told what to do. hate it.
6. I once was clean and now I am messy ( I don't know how)
7. I don't like to paint.

Things that I don't know about myself....
1. anything important..... except for the part about donuts.

My friend Megyn said the best thing the other day " Once I decided that i didn't know anything my life got a lot easier." and i decided to follow. I know nothing; don't ask me because i don't know.

In an Atlanta state of mind.

2005-07-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have been home for over a month now, and i have had some time to digest my past semester a little: this is what i have come up with.... It is really weird when your dream gets thrown in your face. It was nice to have everyone that was around me talk about what i have been thinking to myself for years with a tone of reality. I don't know if that makes sense; it was nice to have people take what i desire seriously, not that other people didn't; fashion design just wasn't a reality for them. nevermind i forgot where i was going with that. I have to admit that i stumbled around in New York for a while literally and figurtively. I got lost all the time, which i am thankful for because who knows when i would have found "Little Korea" without a few mis-guided in between. But, more so in that, it was the first time that my character was really tested. The city is loaded with people who have your worst interests at heart and not ones cuts you any slack. It was in moments like these that i understand clearly why i went to Charleston first. I left there with a strong foundation that wasn't my own ground so therefore i couldn't shake it. Thank God for that because without that who knows where i would be now (probably somewhere in Brooklyn). Thelonious Monk is my favorite at the moment. I talked with Nick about this for a little while but it is cool to hear someone that just "gets it". I don't know what he understands that i don't but i hope to figure it out. There are some people in the my life that "get it". My Grandfather for one, i have no idea what is it but i can hear it in the way he talks that he knows something. I pray to God that i figure it out soon, but i feel like it is something probably the old and the wise are privilaged too. Life has been good in Georgia i have to admit. It is nice to be back in " Parents Pay for Everything Land". I am enjoying the slow life and hanging out with my dear friend Stefanie. I am not sure why but i am not particularly looking forward to going back to New York just yet, i hope that it is just a time thing and that in a few weeks i will have gotten this bug out of my system. I really just don't want my life to get as crazy as is was last semester. I want to have hours that i can just lay on my bed and listen to music ( that is really all i do all day, and day dream about stupid things like what it would be like to live on a space ship with people that only speak Russian) I hope i can make time for that next semester.

Smooth Transition....what a lie.

2005-05-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

I decided to create a blog because all my friends in Charleston did, and i am a follower. No seriously, i am. I have been thinking about it recently and what is wrong with following in the first place; it is a prretty arrogant move to decide to be a leader. how do you know you know what you are doing? I am in the last week at school and am eagerly awaiting the end; i am tired and exhausted and ready to go home. Yes, just for the record, as amazing as New York and as much as i love it and am glad it is home semi-home I am ready to go back to Peachtree City for a while at least. It is hard to take time to re-group in a city that takes pride in running you over. I am ready to re-group. I don't know if this semester has been my best personally and spiritually, i'll have to think about it. If anything it hasn't been bad it has just be void. Last semester i fought a lot with Christ but i learned and it was emotional, this semester has been mellow and i didn't dwell a lot on things and i don't think that worked to my advantage. School has been amazing, i am glad that even though it has been an insane amount of work and stress and i am leaving still in love with it and can't wait to get back and learn more. that is re-assuring since it was a big leap into thin air; i am glad i was caught and didn't plummit to my death or worse Georgia State University (which was the option if F.I.T. didn't work out).