I wrote this at the airport pretending to be updating my blog online. It rarely happens to me but sometimes i have so many thoughts that i feel like i have to write them down immediately before they all slip away. So here it is. Going back is always hard for me. I think that maybe each time it will get easier but it doesn't; i just become a little more attached than i was before. For the next 9 months i will be an adult and right now the only word that comes to mind is........... FUCK! But my fright is equally matched by my excitement. I have a lot of ideas, none of which i can share with anyone because usually the second i tell someone something i lose all interest in my thought. it always happens, without fail. maybe i have intimacy issues. Sometimes i think God speaks through horoscopes. don't laugh. it's true. The NYPost is famed for never being wrong when it comes to astrology and this morning i woke up from staying awake all night dreaming to a horoscope that gave me the exact answer i had been looking for. Not this " with your planet crossing jupiter it is a good time to connect with old friends." crap but " this is what you need to do and if you don't know how to do it then you need to do this instead." i would say the exact words but that gets tied back into the "me telling people my thoughts and then loosing interest in them" thing and i can't afford to not have faith in my thoughts at the moment. I started work today and i didn't suck. That was my only plan ...... to not suck. Tommorow i am ready for day 2. I wish i had a suck knob that i could just turn down. I know everyone has a little bit of suck but there are certain moments in life that i would feel much more secure and confident if i knew that my chance of sucking was zero. I wouldn't abuse it at all i promise. i would just use it strategically when it was imperitative to my success. I always think my plane is going to crash no matter how much time and odds play against me, and yesterday was no different. Ok that was random but i just wanted to throw that in there. Sometimes i get sick of my own thoughts. I think some of the same ones over and over again it i am starting to bore myself to death. I just want to tell my head to "shut the hell up you are boring me." But now is not the case. It is a new year, i am new. My only vow is to increase the quality in my life and am at the moment figuring out what it takes to do that. to be a better friend? to have better friends? to be more faithful in fate? to be more devoted to the One? who knows, each day will take me somewhere different. I have a new perspective on my career. a perspective that hopefully will take me out of new york and into new places, hopefully out of the stereotyped fashion industry and into the arms of people who inspire me. listen to Nightswimming by R.E.M. it has been on constant repeat on my iPod. it is quite possibly the most beautiful song i have ever heard. that is my one piece of advise.