forgiven?

So i realized today that the problems between me and God are not God's fault; they are mine. who knew? .............i didn't. And come tomorrow i probably won't know that information again. My long term memory is out of order and has been for a while. But for now I acknowledge that my miscommunications between God and myself are my fault. Next step..... feel forgiven. One of my greatest problems/frustrations is that i don't know how to feel forgiven. Like really "whew, glad that is off my chest" forgiven. I will drone on about all the millions of things i have done wrong over the past YEARS. There are things that i have done years ago that i still feel guilty about and don't feel forgiven over. I treated a really good friend of mine poorly in 2003 while at worked at a camp. And i still feel horrible about it. My first break through with this came about two months ago when i got high with my roommates the first night my roommate KC moved in. I hate being high..... i know this...... i have always known this. The idea of being high seems nice but in actuality it is rediculously lame. and it makes you cough like a loser. Anyways...... Right afterwards i went into my room and walked around in circles trying to talk myself out of being high ( which was a really funny conversation with myself i must add..... ) so yeah, i spent 20 mintues walking around like Rain Man when i decided the best optiong was to go to sleep. when i woke up i wouldn't be high anymore so that seemed like the best solution. Well..... i can't fall asleep if i am high so i just sat there and giggled to myself. Finally i feel asleep but every half hour i woke up... i would open 1 eye and look around to see if i was still high ( it was like a really messed up christmas. you know when you are little you would wake up in the middle of the night and run downstairs to see if Santa had come yet. but in my case i was checking to see if my high had gotten the hell out of my head), i did this 4 times; each time feeling worse than before. Then finally at like 3:30 in the morning i looked up at my bible on the shelf and just let go. I feel like it should just take an instant, a moment, because that is how long it takes God. No time at all to forgive me. So why should it take years for me to feel what had happened in an instant, many, many moments ago.
Other than that the only other things really going on in my life is that i bought a candle called Casablanca Lily and it smells like butt..........so disappointing.